[Anyway, it's not narcissism if you really are capable of throwing the world into chaos.]
Of course I am. It's easier to think that way, to make my decisions based on thought instead of impulse. Though I've formed some rather dangerous attachments in this world.
[There's a soft hum at that.] Yeah, but... If you cut yourself away from pain, you're cutting yourself off of pleasure too.
Can't have one without the other.
[He takes a seat on the bed, hands placed on the edge. He stares down at the ground.]
I don't claim to know everything. But... [His brow furrows.] You know, there's a time and place for everything. Maybe impulse isn't always the smartest thing. But it shows people how much you care. How strongly you feel.
If I am protecting the world from... myself, and I continue to exist for that purpose along with the others, then it's another day that I still care to protect.
...Rook did nothing I am not capable of, Akira. He just enjoyed it more. So yes. I find it reassuring.
[As for the next part, Tiernan waves it away with a light huff and a vaguely amused sound.]
I promise I am entirely capable of feeling pleasure and have done so as recently as yesterday. More seriously, my emotions are less severe, more controllable, but you if anyone know they certainly exist. I'm detached, not absent.
[Tiernan settles next to Akira, listening. He gives a quiet sigh and rests his chin on curled knuckles.]
No one told you about the other timeline, did they? The one that was undone as part of the last game. The Foundation killed Nicholas in it. And I destroyed them for it. That is how much I care, and why it is so dangerous. I would do the same for my children, for Lucifer, and for you.
That's true, but some people are not just capable but inclined.
[There's a pause as Akira goes off, something heavy to it. Tiernan, for once, hesitates. And all at once, something shifts. The emotions Akira is picking up flare with a vicious intensity that's always seemed beyond Tiernan. Pain, exhaustion, anger (not directed at Akira), fear, grief... It's A Lot.
It's maybe not Tiernan sitting on the bed anymore.]
'Kira, don't... It's not- It's complicated. I made Tiernan to be fine when I can't be.
[Ah... It's not exactly a surprise but it's also something El isn't entirely used to. But he's adaptable and he holds Akira, gentle fingers brushing through the teen's hair. Unfiltered by Tiernan's everything, Akira can't possibly miss the love directed at him.]
Sounds a little fake considering the damage I can do, 'Kira... I'm trying really hard not to hurt anyone. Or get myself killed by that purple pile of shit.
[El sighs and shifts around so they can lean against the headboard. It'll probably be more comfortable if they're going to... what, friend-cuddle?]
As you might have noticed, I usually deal with that by being a mess while Tiernan has things under control. I don't really know how else to deal with it. Not without- [El hesitates a little here, something worried flickering across his emotions.] ...someone else.
[Also excuse you, that's his nose and Akira is getting a gentle poke in the ribs in return.]
Yeah but 90% of it is still stuff that leads to the Dark Side of the Force.
[You were clinging and he wasn't sure when or if you planned to let go. Don't judge him.]
Mm. It's safer. They don't deserve to be tangled up in this mess.
[El swats gently at that poking finger.]
Sounds like too much effort.
[He's joking.]
If you think Tiernan was easy, you are very wrong. I'm not... against finding other ways to cope. Change is literally my religion. I just haven't had much luck so far.
For not being against it, you sounded awfully uncertain just then. Just saying.
[A thoughtful hum.]
I mean... that's kind of what coping is, isn't it? Being resistant to change? Wouldn't it be more true to your religion to accept it rather than get upset about the inevitable?
[He looks away.]
Granted... I'm not saying you shouldn't feel upset. Grieving is natural. Just food for thought, I suppose.
[There might be something a touch defeated slipping into his tone.]
Calling something inevitable implies it to be an event that cannot be changed. So I sort of reject the actual concept of inevitability.
[He doesn't like that defeated tone, though. He sighs quietly and rubs at his face with one hand.]
I am changing, anyway. Me, Tiernan... If I weren't, I wouldn't be here, talking to you. You'd be dealing with Tiernan, or maybe already left in tears because you couldn't deal with Tiernan. Before the sky island game, I hadn't spoken to anyone directly since the day I put Tiernan in place. And that was years ago.
[He's looking quietly at the door, and then he slowly looks back to Elthinion. The smile he gives is shaky and weak.]
Heh... I know. [He holds a blink.] It's not exactly as if I can blame you. I'm eighteen years old, so what do I know about life or emotions?
[He looks away.] My powers don't make me more qualified than anyone else. I can talk big all I want, and then I turn around and emotionally torture Satan themselves...
[His shoulders jerk a little, and his eyes begin to water again.] When I met you— when I met Tiernan, I didn't trust you— him. [He's clearly struggling with this a little.] ... he kind of scared me, honestly. But then when I saw his heart's image... [He blinks, and some of the tears fall.] .. I guess that's when I saw you. You were so concerned for me after what had happened.
I felt like y—... Tiernan wasn't so bad after all. [He draws his legs up close to him and hugs them.] And the more I got to know him, the more I admired him. He seemed so sharp and analytical and calm in the midst of all the chaos.
[A sniff as more tears fall. His grip on himself tightens.] I guess it kind of felt like a sibling relationship, in a way. Him, the protective, helpful older brother... me, the plucky, naive younger brother.
... and why would an older brother listen to the words of his kid brother? After all, he probably knows better.
[He takes off his glasses and rubs at his eyes with an arm, falling quiet. If anything, he looks a little bewildered. He doesn't usually open up to anyone with his problems like this, but here he was, spilling his heart to Elthinion...]
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feels_manager
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-26 07:19 pm (UTC)[Anyway, it's not narcissism if you really are capable of throwing the world into chaos.]
Of course I am. It's easier to think that way, to make my decisions based on thought instead of impulse. Though I've formed some rather dangerous attachments in this world.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-27 02:49 am (UTC)[There's a soft hum at that.] Yeah, but... If you cut yourself away from pain, you're cutting yourself off of pleasure too.
Can't have one without the other.
[He takes a seat on the bed, hands placed on the edge. He stares down at the ground.]
I don't claim to know everything. But... [His brow furrows.] You know, there's a time and place for everything. Maybe impulse isn't always the smartest thing. But it shows people how much you care. How strongly you feel.
[He looks up to Tiernan.] It's how you connect.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-06 08:26 am (UTC)...Rook did nothing I am not capable of, Akira. He just enjoyed it more. So yes. I find it reassuring.
[As for the next part, Tiernan waves it away with a light huff and a vaguely amused sound.]
I promise I am entirely capable of feeling pleasure and have done so as recently as yesterday. More seriously, my emotions are less severe, more controllable, but you if anyone know they certainly exist. I'm detached, not absent.
[Tiernan settles next to Akira, listening. He gives a quiet sigh and rests his chin on curled knuckles.]
No one told you about the other timeline, did they? The one that was undone as part of the last game. The Foundation killed Nicholas in it. And I destroyed them for it. That is how much I care, and why it is so dangerous. I would do the same for my children, for Lucifer, and for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-07 01:22 am (UTC)[Ah.. the wave rubs Akira just the wrong way, and he narrows his eyes at Tiernan.]
I didn't say all pleasure— and I mean...
[A growl of frustration comes out of him. He stares at Tiernan, then looks away.]
You'd destroy an entire organization for me, but you'll hardly give what I say a thought.
[A laugh escapes him suddenly.]
Nevermind... if you're so sure you're fine, then... [His hands curl into fists.] I have other people to get to, who are willing to accept the help.
[Something painful burns inside of him as he stares hard at the door.]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-07 01:39 am (UTC)[There's a pause as Akira goes off, something heavy to it. Tiernan, for once, hesitates. And all at once, something shifts. The emotions Akira is picking up flare with a vicious intensity that's always seemed beyond Tiernan. Pain, exhaustion, anger (not directed at Akira), fear, grief... It's A Lot.
It's maybe not Tiernan sitting on the bed anymore.]
'Kira, don't... It's not- It's complicated. I made Tiernan to be fine when I can't be.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-07 01:54 am (UTC)He turns his head and outright stares at the man, tears running down his cheeks.]
... El?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-07 05:40 am (UTC)[He sounds tired, too, tired and miserable. El reaches over and gently wipes at the tears.]
I don't know how long I can handle this but here I am. If you want to know how I'm really doing, this is it. I'm kind of a mess.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-07 02:42 pm (UTC)And then moves forward, wrapping his arms around Elthinion, basically outright clinging to him.]
Well... that's what I'm here for.
[He gives the man a squeeze.]
To teach you that it can be okay to be a mess.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-07 07:27 pm (UTC)Sounds a little fake considering the damage I can do, 'Kira... I'm trying really hard not to hurt anyone. Or get myself killed by that purple pile of shit.
[Fear? Fear. Though it's not of dying.]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-08 12:56 am (UTC)... it's still nice, and he sinks into that hug.]
You can be a mess and still be somewhat under control.
[His hand comes up to boop El's nose.]
Anger's not the only emotion you're feeling.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-08 01:37 am (UTC)As you might have noticed, I usually deal with that by being a mess while Tiernan has things under control. I don't really know how else to deal with it. Not without- [El hesitates a little here, something worried flickering across his emotions.] ...someone else.
[Also excuse you, that's his nose and Akira is getting a gentle poke in the ribs in return.]
Yeah but 90% of it is still stuff that leads to the Dark Side of the Force.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-08 01:48 am (UTC)... someone else?
[El... El please.]
We should expand your repertoire of coping mechanisms, then.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-08 06:53 pm (UTC)Not a 'still me' someone else, an actual other person. But I'm not sure I want to tempt fate or universe-jumpers with specifics.
[Look. Look. At least he's trying.]
You make that sound a lot easier than I've found it to be so far, 'Kira.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-08 11:01 pm (UTC)He raises his eyebrow.] Yeah?
[He gives a huff as he pulls back to sit cross-legged on the bed, poking El in the chest.]
Usually, the things worth making an effort for... take effort. [Shocking, he knows.]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-24 07:16 pm (UTC)Mm. It's safer. They don't deserve to be tangled up in this mess.
[El swats gently at that poking finger.]
Sounds like too much effort.
[He's joking.]
If you think Tiernan was easy, you are very wrong. I'm not... against finding other ways to cope. Change is literally my religion. I just haven't had much luck so far.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-12-28 10:42 pm (UTC)[A thoughtful hum.]
I mean... that's kind of what coping is, isn't it? Being resistant to change? Wouldn't it be more true to your religion to accept it rather than get upset about the inevitable?
[He looks away.]
Granted... I'm not saying you shouldn't feel upset. Grieving is natural. Just food for thought, I suppose.
[There might be something a touch defeated slipping into his tone.]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-01-09 08:56 pm (UTC)[El makes a little wobbly gesture at the rest.]
Calling something inevitable implies it to be an event that cannot be changed. So I sort of reject the actual concept of inevitability.
[He doesn't like that defeated tone, though. He sighs quietly and rubs at his face with one hand.]
I am changing, anyway. Me, Tiernan... If I weren't, I wouldn't be here, talking to you. You'd be dealing with Tiernan, or maybe already left in tears because you couldn't deal with Tiernan. Before the sky island game, I hadn't spoken to anyone directly since the day I put Tiernan in place. And that was years ago.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-01-25 03:47 am (UTC)Heh... I know. [He holds a blink.] It's not exactly as if I can blame you. I'm eighteen years old, so what do I know about life or emotions?
[He looks away.] My powers don't make me more qualified than anyone else. I can talk big all I want, and then I turn around and emotionally torture Satan themselves...
[His shoulders jerk a little, and his eyes begin to water again.] When I met you— when I met Tiernan, I didn't trust you— him. [He's clearly struggling with this a little.] ... he kind of scared me, honestly. But then when I saw his heart's image... [He blinks, and some of the tears fall.] .. I guess that's when I saw you. You were so concerned for me after what had happened.
I felt like y—... Tiernan wasn't so bad after all. [He draws his legs up close to him and hugs them.] And the more I got to know him, the more I admired him. He seemed so sharp and analytical and calm in the midst of all the chaos.
[A sniff as more tears fall. His grip on himself tightens.] I guess it kind of felt like a sibling relationship, in a way. Him, the protective, helpful older brother... me, the plucky, naive younger brother.
... and why would an older brother listen to the words of his kid brother? After all, he probably knows better.
[He takes off his glasses and rubs at his eyes with an arm, falling quiet. If anything, he looks a little bewildered. He doesn't usually open up to anyone with his problems like this, but here he was, spilling his heart to Elthinion...]